A Full Meal

I believe the old adage; “you are what you eat” could be termed “a mouthful of understatement” in regards to Amanda Monti, of Birkenhead. Geoffrey Jones decided to accompany the lovely 22 year old Amanda to a house party in the Crosby section of Liverpool, on May 30th , 2004. She was a pretty girl, standing just 5’2” tall and with long brown hair, and a physical resemblance to Amy Fisher, the Long Island Lolita. Although Jones and Amanda had recently ended a long term “but open” relationship, the split had been amenable. Still, a period of separation would have probably been a good idea.
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Instead, after the party Amanda, along with several friends, returned to the 37 year old Jones’s home. There, after a few more drinks, Amanda allegedly tried to get amorous. Geoffrey refused and the two ex-lovers got into an argument, which became physical when Amanda grabbed Geoffrey’s face. At that point Geoff threw the lady out of his house. But Amanda refused to leave, and instead broke a window. Geoff went outside to tell her to go home and “sleep it off”, whereupon Amanda threw herself upon Geoff and knocked him to the ground. Intent upon humiliating him, she yanked his shorts down, and when that didn’t seem to embarrass him she brutally pulled his underwear down, ripping off his left testicle in the process. And this is where the story takes an unpleasant culinary twist.
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Geoffrey, “completely naked and in excruciating pain” staggered into the house, while Amanda unexpectedly found herself holding his “family jewel”. Panicking, her first thought was to conceal the evidence. So she stuffed the testicle into her mouth and tried to swallow it. She chocked, and vomited it back up. At which point a witness retrieved the regurgitation and brought it into the kitchen of the house, showing it to the stunned owner with the comforting assurance, “That’s yours.” Geoffrey rushed to the hospital but surgeons were unable to reattach the little gland.
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All of which is why Amanda found herself in a Liverpool Crown Court in February of 2005, pleading guilty to assault. In a letter to the court the now 24 year old explained, “It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff, and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person. I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do so for the rest of my life.” The judge was unimpressed and sentenced the perky little alcoholic to two and one half years in prison.
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And here’s the good news, boys and girls; she’s out. Having served her time, 26 year old Amanda “The Jaws” Monti, is available again, for all parties and public events. And if you are worried that Paris Hilton is serious about her religious revival or perhaps is beyond your advertising budget, Amanda can draw the paparazzi to your disco or night club or restaurant like flies to a fresh kill. And, for that extra zing that any public event may require, she can always perform “The Full Monti.”
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