I have always wanted to attend the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, a three week pandemonium of theatre and performance art held each August in the Scottish capital. Its ori
ginal intent in 1947 was to take advantage of the audiences drawn to the cities’ official arts festivals, but by 1960 it had grown to 2,000 separate shows, ranging from the legendary “Hole in the Meadow”, a literal hole in a city park in which a naked man gave a 45 minute performance (each audience limited to one because of the size of the hole) to this year’s ‘The Container” by Clare Bayler, a play about “asylum, racial and religious persecution”, staged in an actual shipping container (audiences limited to 20 per performance). With audiences that s
mall the play had better be damned entertaining. And each day, on the Royal Mile along the High Street in Edinburgh, casts vie for audiences and attention along with acrobats and mimes, clowns and comics and street performers. It is a cacophony of joyous live theatre, drama and comedy blending into a seamless wave of insanity, culminating this year when a dwarf got his Willy stuck in a vacuum cleaner.
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ginal intent in 1947 was to take advantage of the audiences drawn to the cities’ official arts festivals, but by 1960 it had grown to 2,000 separate shows, ranging from the legendary “Hole in the Meadow”, a literal hole in a city park in which a naked man gave a 45 minute performance (each audience limited to one because of the size of the hole) to this year’s ‘The Container” by Clare Bayler, a play about “asylum, racial and religious persecution”, staged in an actual shipping container (audiences limited to 20 per performance). With audiences that s
mall the play had better be damned entertaining. And each day, on the Royal Mile along the High Street in Edinburgh, casts vie for audiences and attention along with acrobats and mimes, clowns and comics and street performers. It is a cacophony of joyous live theatre, drama and comedy blending into a seamless wave of insanity, culminating this year when a dwarf got his Willy stuck in a vacuum cleaner.*
Famous and infamous performances abound; decades ago one theatre company 
staged a marital spat in a pub, in amongst the drinkers, without any theatrical lighting, curtains or introduction, nothing to separate the performance from the real life alcoholics arguing around it. At the other end of the spectrum, this year there was “Siren” by sound artist Ray Lee at the ‘Out Of The Blue Drill Hall’. According to the revue;
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“The installation features some 20 blades mounted on tripods at different heights…. the rotors have a speaker at each end, as well as small, red lights. One by one, they are switched on by sombre-looking men armed with m
ini screwdrivers, until eventually the hall is filled with a 
collection of aural and visual swirls…The sounds vary from blade to blade …a mooing cow, a woman’s voice and even a Tibetan gong…Almost as interesting as the installation, is how members of the audience respond…Some sit transfixed against a wall for the entire 40 minutes, while others wander around …tilting their heads towards certain rotors to catch a specific sound. Expressions range from child-like amazement to vaguely perturbed,…A few minutes before the end, the rotors suddenly stop in unison, and gradually each speaker is switched off by the men with the screwdrivers…When the last speaker stops there is a brief silence…Then applause breaks out, before people wander into the night. Every guest will experience a different sensation, and each might well depart thinking that they have never witnessed anything like this on the Fringe.”
*
staged a marital spat in a pub, in amongst the drinkers, without any theatrical lighting, curtains or introduction, nothing to separate the performance from the real life alcoholics arguing around it. At the other end of the spectrum, this year there was “Siren” by sound artist Ray Lee at the ‘Out Of The Blue Drill Hall’. According to the revue;*
“The installation features some 20 blades mounted on tripods at different heights…. the rotors have a speaker at each end, as well as small, red lights. One by one, they are switched on by sombre-looking men armed with m
ini screwdrivers, until eventually the hall is filled with a 
collection of aural and visual swirls…The sounds vary from blade to blade …a mooing cow, a woman’s voice and even a Tibetan gong…Almost as interesting as the installation, is how members of the audience respond…Some sit transfixed against a wall for the entire 40 minutes, while others wander around …tilting their heads towards certain rotors to catch a specific sound. Expressions range from child-like amazement to vaguely perturbed,…A few minutes before the end, the rotors suddenly stop in unison, and gradually each speaker is switched off by the men with the screwdrivers…When the last speaker stops there is a brief silence…Then applause breaks out, before people wander into the night. Every guest will experience a different sensation, and each might well depart thinking that they have never witnessed anything like this on the Fringe.”*
Last year there was a restaging of Macbeth, known in theatrical circles as ‘the Scottish play’, as a rock opera, ala Rocky Horror, and a few years ago there was a stage version of the movie “The Italian Job”, with all dialogue lifted from various William Shakespeare plays. This year you could sit through “Guernica Falls”, described by the producers as an “interpretation of the horrors of modern warfare” (“The narration is delivered through vocals and percussion – the absence of dialogue assists with its universal ac
cessibility.”) or “Hari Krishna and the Philosoper’s Stoned”, or Artyfacts” by Becky Fawcett, “A collection of highly confidential, revealing a
nd outrageous comedy artifacts from this country's elite. Well, not quite elite; more important than you anyway.” Or perhaps you would prefer to attend the “Circus of Horrors” where you can meet Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf, who crazy glued his penis to a shop vac.
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It’s been a crazy year, even for the Edinburgh Fringe. Tom Clews, who was performing as the Hero Odysseus in a three man show, had cash picked from his pocket, and then chased the thieves down the street, shout
ing and waving his s
word. Finally he threw it onto the ground tripping up the thieves and retrieving his money; leaving me with the question of just where did Odysseus carry his wallet? An 18 year old actor, Matthew Hastings, seeking to garner attention for his company’s performance, soaked his pants in gasoline and set them on fire. Matthew suffered 2nd degree burns and told reporters from The Scotsman, “The flames were huge”. And by the way, Matthew, it would have helped if you had worked the name of your show into the police report. Dan Blackner, the dwarf playing Captain Dan, who accidentally glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner, made certain the title “Circus Of Horrors” was prominently mentioned in every single article about his misadventure.
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You see, at one point in his performance Dan must walk across the stage dragging the vacuum with him via his own special attachment inserted into another special attachment on the vacuum cleaner’s hose, designed so Dan can pull it off night after night without actually pulling it off.
And last week, while rehearsing, the special attachment broke or split – reports vary. So Dan applied crazy glue to the cracked appendage, but failed to carefully read the glue’s instructions before reattaching it to his own appendage. Instead of the recommended 20 minutes drying time he left the glue on for only 2 minutes. At which point he could no longer unlatch the attachment, try as he might. “I was terrified that if I pulled too hard I’d rip it off,” said Dan.
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Panicked, Dan called his manager, who drove him to the Royal Infirmary, along with the box office girl who had twisted her knee. “I don’t know what she must have thought,” said Dan. “She just sat there trying not to laugh. But I felt just like crying.” The paramedics met them A the front door with a wheel chair and they resisted the desire to get theatrical themselves. (Get me the paddles. Clear! Zap!”) Instead they rushed their wee patient and his wee-wee in the vacuum cleaner, into the E.R. where, according to Dan, the other patients were laughing, but the nurses saw how embarrassed Dan was. “I just wished the ground could swallow me up.”
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An hour later, Dan was free. Said his manager, “It was one of the most bizarre accidents I’ve ever seen, and I
work with a freak show.” But, on the bright side, after reports in the British Press on Dan’s tubular experience, Amazon said that sales of the little red Hoover used by Dan in his performance, increased by 400%.
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Of course, I also can’t escape the feeling that Dan was just Dyson for some free publicity.
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cessibility.”) or “Hari Krishna and the Philosoper’s Stoned”, or Artyfacts” by Becky Fawcett, “A collection of highly confidential, revealing a
nd outrageous comedy artifacts from this country's elite. Well, not quite elite; more important than you anyway.” Or perhaps you would prefer to attend the “Circus of Horrors” where you can meet Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf, who crazy glued his penis to a shop vac.*
It’s been a crazy year, even for the Edinburgh Fringe. Tom Clews, who was performing as the Hero Odysseus in a three man show, had cash picked from his pocket, and then chased the thieves down the street, shout
ing and waving his s
word. Finally he threw it onto the ground tripping up the thieves and retrieving his money; leaving me with the question of just where did Odysseus carry his wallet? An 18 year old actor, Matthew Hastings, seeking to garner attention for his company’s performance, soaked his pants in gasoline and set them on fire. Matthew suffered 2nd degree burns and told reporters from The Scotsman, “The flames were huge”. And by the way, Matthew, it would have helped if you had worked the name of your show into the police report. Dan Blackner, the dwarf playing Captain Dan, who accidentally glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner, made certain the title “Circus Of Horrors” was prominently mentioned in every single article about his misadventure.*
You see, at one point in his performance Dan must walk across the stage dragging the vacuum with him via his own special attachment inserted into another special attachment on the vacuum cleaner’s hose, designed so Dan can pull it off night after night without actually pulling it off.
And last week, while rehearsing, the special attachment broke or split – reports vary. So Dan applied crazy glue to the cracked appendage, but failed to carefully read the glue’s instructions before reattaching it to his own appendage. Instead of the recommended 20 minutes drying time he left the glue on for only 2 minutes. At which point he could no longer unlatch the attachment, try as he might. “I was terrified that if I pulled too hard I’d rip it off,” said Dan.*
Panicked, Dan called his manager, who drove him to the Royal Infirmary, along with the box office girl who had twisted her knee. “I don’t know what she must have thought,” said Dan. “She just sat there trying not to laugh. But I felt just like crying.” The paramedics met them A the front door with a wheel chair and they resisted the desire to get theatrical themselves. (Get me the paddles. Clear! Zap!”) Instead they rushed their wee patient and his wee-wee in the vacuum cleaner, into the E.R. where, according to Dan, the other patients were laughing, but the nurses saw how embarrassed Dan was. “I just wished the ground could swallow me up.”
*
An hour later, Dan was free. Said his manager, “It was one of the most bizarre accidents I’ve ever seen, and I
work with a freak show.” But, on the bright side, after reports in the British Press on Dan’s tubular experience, Amazon said that sales of the little red Hoover used by Dan in his performance, increased by 400%.*
Of course, I also can’t escape the feeling that Dan was just Dyson for some free publicity.
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