I woke up from a nap Monday afternoon to a Faux News report 
that the FBI had labeled Britney Spears as a “person of interest” in their investigation of the conspiracy to hire O.J. Simpson to murder Kevin Federline. Okay, maybe I got that a little mixed up but…did somebody set off a daja vu bomb while I was sleeping or am I just a little late in developing my long anticipated schizophrenia? This O.J thing is like the ultimate re-run of a re-make of “The Press Frenzy that Ate Reality”. Good God, somebody put out a contract on Kevin Federline? Why? Like the puddles unde
r the soft serve dispenser at Burger King, eventually Kevin will evaporate on his own leaving behind merely a floor stain. Why go to all the trouble of killing him? But in the meantime, assuming somebody was interested enough to plan a rubbing out the Fed-ex, was it Britney or just some music lovers? Or maybe it was some teenagers from the mall, looking to eliminate the one celebrity who makes them look committed by comparison. Or maybe The Juice was hired to remove that insipid smirk off The Fed’s face. I’m telling you, it’s been a hell of a week according to Faux News, and the week has barely started.
*
It’s not like we have anything serious to think about right at the moment, like a war or anything. On Monday Faux Broadcasting issued the most amazing statem
ent, that “Some language during the live broadcast” -of Sunday night’s Emmys award show- “may have been considered inappropriate by some viewers. As a result, Fox’s broadcast standards executives determined it appropriate to drop sound during those portions of the show”, as when Sally Fields, the ex-Gidget, took her Emmy in hand and said there would be a lot fewer “fucking” wars if mothers ran the world. At least that’s what I think she said.
*
Faux’s justification instantly brought to mind two question
s. First: Faux has standards? They even have executives who are responsible for these alleged standards? Then where the hell were those standards when all that sluttish sex obsessed pseudo news was pouring out of Bill O’Reilly’s mouth over the last ten years? As everybody knows, Fox is the home for family values and titillation TV. And the second question that comes to mind, regarding the propensity of mothers to not start wars, evidently Ms. Fields has never seen the 1993 HBO film “The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom.” I saw it, and having seen it I would say the average Texas cheerleader’s mom is quite capable of starting a war, and that might even go double for a white trash mom from Louisiana now living cracked out of her bald head in sun baked Tarzana, California.
*
Tarzana was carved out of Edger Rice Burroughs’ old estate, and named after his heroic ape man hero. It’s a drowsy sort of place, pocked marked with hidden multi-million dollar mansions surrounded by modest track homes. And the spine that connects Tarzana to the rest of The Valley is Ventura Boulevard, lined with nail salons and beauty parlors, always willing to loan a loony-tunes superstar customer a pair of Brittany shears.
*
I think Britne
y might be about to start some new hostilities, since, according to Faux news, (and who could doubt the veracity of a network that employs Geraldo Rivera?) as of Tuesday afternoon Fed-ex was about to be awarded custody of their two children. That makes four kids he has sired by two separate women, one of whom he didn’t marry - and she is the happy one - and at the moment, according to Faux, he’s the sane choice as a parent; an unemployed 27 year old ex-dancer, ex-rapper, ex-actor and ex-whipper-snapper.
Brittney, the ex-singer ex-rehabber, the woman who accordin
g to the Washington Post walks the fine fashion line between vulgar and Bjork, now has an ex-lawyer and an ex-agent as well. The little onion head is a long way from her beginnings on the Mickey Mouse Club, and Walt Disney must be rolling over in his Frigidaire. He was the guy who wouldn’t let little Annette Funicello wear a two piece bathing suit in the Beach Party movies, and the last time Brittney was covered by that much fabric was when she used an umbrella to beat up on a photographer.
*
It’s en
ough to make your head spin. Especially after the LAPD found no substance to the murder contract on K-Fed and the judge
that the FBI had labeled Britney Spears as a “person of interest” in their investigation of the conspiracy to hire O.J. Simpson to murder Kevin Federline. Okay, maybe I got that a little mixed up but…did somebody set off a daja vu bomb while I was sleeping or am I just a little late in developing my long anticipated schizophrenia? This O.J thing is like the ultimate re-run of a re-make of “The Press Frenzy that Ate Reality”. Good God, somebody put out a contract on Kevin Federline? Why? Like the puddles unde
r the soft serve dispenser at Burger King, eventually Kevin will evaporate on his own leaving behind merely a floor stain. Why go to all the trouble of killing him? But in the meantime, assuming somebody was interested enough to plan a rubbing out the Fed-ex, was it Britney or just some music lovers? Or maybe it was some teenagers from the mall, looking to eliminate the one celebrity who makes them look committed by comparison. Or maybe The Juice was hired to remove that insipid smirk off The Fed’s face. I’m telling you, it’s been a hell of a week according to Faux News, and the week has barely started.*
It’s not like we have anything serious to think about right at the moment, like a war or anything. On Monday Faux Broadcasting issued the most amazing statem
ent, that “Some language during the live broadcast” -of Sunday night’s Emmys award show- “may have been considered inappropriate by some viewers. As a result, Fox’s broadcast standards executives determined it appropriate to drop sound during those portions of the show”, as when Sally Fields, the ex-Gidget, took her Emmy in hand and said there would be a lot fewer “fucking” wars if mothers ran the world. At least that’s what I think she said.*
Faux’s justification instantly brought to mind two question
s. First: Faux has standards? They even have executives who are responsible for these alleged standards? Then where the hell were those standards when all that sluttish sex obsessed pseudo news was pouring out of Bill O’Reilly’s mouth over the last ten years? As everybody knows, Fox is the home for family values and titillation TV. And the second question that comes to mind, regarding the propensity of mothers to not start wars, evidently Ms. Fields has never seen the 1993 HBO film “The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom.” I saw it, and having seen it I would say the average Texas cheerleader’s mom is quite capable of starting a war, and that might even go double for a white trash mom from Louisiana now living cracked out of her bald head in sun baked Tarzana, California.*
Tarzana was carved out of Edger Rice Burroughs’ old estate, and named after his heroic ape man hero. It’s a drowsy sort of place, pocked marked with hidden multi-million dollar mansions surrounded by modest track homes. And the spine that connects Tarzana to the rest of The Valley is Ventura Boulevard, lined with nail salons and beauty parlors, always willing to loan a loony-tunes superstar customer a pair of Brittany shears.
*
I think Britne
y might be about to start some new hostilities, since, according to Faux news, (and who could doubt the veracity of a network that employs Geraldo Rivera?) as of Tuesday afternoon Fed-ex was about to be awarded custody of their two children. That makes four kids he has sired by two separate women, one of whom he didn’t marry - and she is the happy one - and at the moment, according to Faux, he’s the sane choice as a parent; an unemployed 27 year old ex-dancer, ex-rapper, ex-actor and ex-whipper-snapper.Brittney, the ex-singer ex-rehabber, the woman who accordin
g to the Washington Post walks the fine fashion line between vulgar and Bjork, now has an ex-lawyer and an ex-agent as well. The little onion head is a long way from her beginnings on the Mickey Mouse Club, and Walt Disney must be rolling over in his Frigidaire. He was the guy who wouldn’t let little Annette Funicello wear a two piece bathing suit in the Beach Party movies, and the last time Brittney was covered by that much fabric was when she used an umbrella to beat up on a photographer.*
It’s en
ough to make your head spin. Especially after the LAPD found no substance to the murder contract on K-Fed and the judgethen ordered Britney to undergo twice weekly drug tox screens but otherwise did not modify the 50/50 custody split of their children. For all the angst and hoopla not a single headline about this young couple on Faux this week turned out to be correct
*
Later on Tuesday Faux began running the on screen
banner, “O.J; mentally ill or just arrogant?” On Wednesday morning local time the arrogant and or mentally ill O.J. Simpson was bonded out of jail and flew out of Las Vegas on a commercial flight while one of his alledged victims and accusers was arrested and jailed on an outstanding warrant for “stalking”. In other words, it was business as usual at Faux Network; just about as accurate as they are fair and balanced.
*
Good Lord, is the Faux audience ever going to wake up and smell the prosac?
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