I met Leona Helmsley in the late 1970’s, before she became known as “The Queen of Mean” and a tax cheat. I knew her simply as ‘that bitch”. I watched her scream at busboys and humiliate waiters while clients stood by, embarrassed. And just after the opening of the Hemsley Palace hotel I saw the brand new parquet floor of the small ballroom under an inch of water because, against the advice of her own engineers
, The Bitch insisted on changing the chandelier overnight in the middle of December, thus exposing the pipes to outside freezing temperatures, as they had warned her. And so when the New York Post broke the story that after The Bitch died, the bitch’s bitch, Trouble, was in trouble. I knew the dog was unlikely to get much sympathy. I also understood why her brother said he would not take the dog or the $12 million Leona set aside for the pooch’s upkeep. She was that frigging unpleasant in person. But it got me thinking about the way we treat our pets and why.
*
There is a lady in Northern India today who breast feeds her monkey. And she has been doing it for four years, since her husband brought the sickly little bastard home. But this is now a full grown monkey. And he is still suckling at her tit. I think this now
qualifies as animal abuse. The lady, Namita, insists that her two daughters do not begrudge the way she pampers the little bastard, even buying him “expensive cow milk” her daughters did not get. When she heard a photographer refer to the little bastard as a pet, Namita became angry. “This is not a pet, this is my son,” she snapped. “Please get that right. I did not have a son. God finally gave me one.” She insists she will continue to breast feed the little bastard as long as he wants. “He will always remain a little one for me.”
*
A woman named Haung, in the Chinese city of Qingdao, found a dove (a white pigeon) lying in an alley bleeding from wounds in its wings. She took it home and nursed it back to health. A week later she set the pigeon free. The bird rose into the air and disappeared. But within five minutes it was back. It now rests on her shoulder and accompanies her on her evening walks. Haung says she treats the pigeon as “a close friend” and that it can stay with her as long as it wants. Now that sounds like a healthy relationship.
*
Meanwhile, in Shenyang, in Northeast China, Ms. Li gives her Sonny a little smooch, for displaying his powers of deduction. She claims that Sonny, a 1 year old rooster, can read both Chinese and English letters and do simple addition and subtraction. There is no doubt that Sonny knows more Chinese than I do, but I do have to wonder if Ms. Li has never heard of “The Clever Hans Effect”.
*
, The Bitch insisted on changing the chandelier overnight in the middle of December, thus exposing the pipes to outside freezing temperatures, as they had warned her. And so when the New York Post broke the story that after The Bitch died, the bitch’s bitch, Trouble, was in trouble. I knew the dog was unlikely to get much sympathy. I also understood why her brother said he would not take the dog or the $12 million Leona set aside for the pooch’s upkeep. She was that frigging unpleasant in person. But it got me thinking about the way we treat our pets and why.*
There is a lady in Northern India today who breast feeds her monkey. And she has been doing it for four years, since her husband brought the sickly little bastard home. But this is now a full grown monkey. And he is still suckling at her tit. I think this now
qualifies as animal abuse. The lady, Namita, insists that her two daughters do not begrudge the way she pampers the little bastard, even buying him “expensive cow milk” her daughters did not get. When she heard a photographer refer to the little bastard as a pet, Namita became angry. “This is not a pet, this is my son,” she snapped. “Please get that right. I did not have a son. God finally gave me one.” She insists she will continue to breast feed the little bastard as long as he wants. “He will always remain a little one for me.”*
A woman named Haung, in the Chinese city of Qingdao, found a dove (a white pigeon) lying in an alley bleeding from wounds in its wings. She took it home and nursed it back to health. A week later she set the pigeon free. The bird rose into the air and disappeared. But within five minutes it was back. It now rests on her shoulder and accompanies her on her evening walks. Haung says she treats the pigeon as “a close friend” and that it can stay with her as long as it wants. Now that sounds like a healthy relationship.
*
Meanwhile, in Shenyang, in Northeast China, Ms. Li gives her Sonny a little smooch, for displaying his powers of deduction. She claims that Sonny, a 1 year old rooster, can read both Chinese and English letters and do simple addition and subtraction. There is no doubt that Sonny knows more Chinese than I do, but I do have to wonder if Ms. Li has never heard of “The Clever Hans Effect”.
*
Hans was an Arabian stallion owned by a Berlin high school math teacher n
amed Wilhelm von Osten, who claimed to have taught Hans to add, subtract, multiply fractions and divide to the level of a 14 year old human. Hans could also read German, spell, tell time and follow a calendar, or so it was claimed. When asked a question Hans would respond by tapping his hoof. After years of free public displays in the 1880’s and 90’s, a 13 member commission was set up, including a veterinarian, a circus manager, a Cavalry officer, a zoologist and school teachers. They tested the horse and von Osten and concluded that “der Kluge Hans” was real.*
Then in 1907 psychologist Oskar Pfungst figured out that “The horse was simply a channel through which the information the questioner unwittingly put into the situation was fed back to the questioner.” By strictly following the same non verbal clues that Hans did, Pfungst was able to achieve a 90% accuracy level, almost the equal of that achieved by the horse. Hans wasn’t reading books he was reading the humans in the room, which in many ways was more amazing than his supposed talent.
*
Von Osten never believed Hans did not understand the abstract problems he had been challenged with, and continued to display his Clever Hans to large and enthusiastic crowds until they were both old and gray. And I’m sure that Ms. Li believes “Sonny” is a genius cock, too. And he may be, but I suspect his talent is in translating chicken body language into human body language, as Clever Hans was able to do with horse language. *
As for the lady and the pigeon, it would seem the little lost bird has a somewhat t
wisted sense of flock, and who can blame him. As a parrot owner (a love bird and a cockatiel) I can testify to the comfort derived from having another warm bodied creature huddling up against my face while I watch TV or read. But I respect my feathered companions too much to ever forget that they are closer to dinosaurs than to humans. Our connection speaks to the evolutionary value of affection over the last 4 billion years.*
As for The Bitch’s Bitch in New York, that speaks to the talent that humans have for projecting their neuroses and sins on to their pets, like a witches’ “familiar” cat or kicking the dog when grandma farts.
*
And as for Namita the monkey lady, she’s just sick and needs to be locked up in a loony bin before one of her daughters is tempted to stab her in the tit.
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