Irony Can Be So Ironic

I recall an L.A. cop who told me that nothing surprised him anymore. He then related how a gunfight broke out in front of his car in the parking lot at the “Tommy Burger” at Temple and Rampart. When the shooting was over fifteen seconds later there was one young man dead and two others wounded, and he and his partner witnessed it all without dropping their double chiliburgers. He showed me photo’s of the carnage, with pools of bright red blood. “I don’t think they even noticed us sitting there in our black and white.” Then he said, “And that surprised me.” Good cops are often impervious to irony, that way.
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I wonder if the cops in Nagoya, Japan were surprised a couple of weeks ago when they got a call at about 7 AM of a headless man involved in a traffic accident in the parking lot of the zoo and Botanical Gardens. A station wagon was idling against a tree, and sure enough, behind the wheel was a man in his fifties, missing his head. They found the wayward appendage about twenty feet behind the car, along with a rope, lying on the ground. The other end of the rope was looped around a tree. The cops figured the man had tied one end of the rope around the tree and the other end around his neck, and had then gotten into his car and stomped on the accelerator, thus decapitating himself. Ever since I first read this story in Japan Today, I’ve been wondering if the poor guy still owed anything on the car. If not, I think that would be ironic.
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The residents of apartments at 84 Gertrudstrasse, in Zurich, Switzerland, are angry because their neighbors keep dieing. Since 1998 some 700 people have “passed away” in the building and 55 year old resident Gloria Sonny feels she is living in a “house of death” and she wants it stopped. She and Laurenz Styger, head of the tenants association, have collected a petition insisting their landlord have the tenant “Dignitas”, which rents apartments on the first and fourth floors, evicted.
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Dignitas, with a clinic in nearby Foch, is one of four Swiss groups taking advantage of an interpretation of Swiss Law that since 1940 has permitted assisted suicide as long as the assistance is not motivated by personal gain. The group’s motto is “Live with dignity, die with dignity” and frankly the residents at number 84 feel the constant stream of police cars and ambulances isn’t leaving them with much. Dignitas’ web site reminds potential clients that each suicide is “…always reported to the police, and there are fees involved…” but the practical implications for the neighbors tend to be glossed over, except to note that, “Travel and hotels are of course the responsibility of the person asking for help.”
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Sonny says she supports the idea of Dignitas but she is defiantly a NIMBY, as in “Not in My Back Yard”, or, in her case, a NIMBLE, as in “Not In My Building, you Late Emigré”. The government is concerned Switzerland is becoming the final destination of choice for something called Suicide Tourism, but Dignitas responds that while they have almost 5,000 members, less than 20% chose to end their lives in any given year, and barely half of those come from the rest of Europe. But despite this logic the group has still been evicted. They have until September to find a new place to hang their IV bottles, unless their landlady should suddenly and inexplicably drop dead.
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A dinner guest from the Belgium village of Verviers recently posed a question of ironic etiquette. After the meal, she and several other friends were helping to clean up because the day before the wife had stormed out, leaving the husband to prepare the meal and host the dinner alone. But when she opened the freezer intending to helpfully store leftovers she discovered the wife had not stormed out of the house after all. The courteous guest quietly informed the others and then calmly called the cops. They discovered the thoroughly frozen bodies of the wife and her 12 year old son packed between the hamburger and ice cream. Now, certainly the guest does not owe the homicidal hubby a thank you as she left, but should she have asked if he had any objection before taking the leftovers home with her?
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And as the final irony, comes the court case from Montana, where 20 year old defendant Andrew McCormack was asked what he thought his sentence should be for stealing beer. He wrote on the form, “As the Beetles say, Let It Be.” To which Judge Gregory R. Todd replied;
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"Hey Jude, Do You Want To Know A Secret? The greatest band in history spelled its name B-e-a-t-l-e-s. Advertisement
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Your response suggests there should be no consequences for your actions and I should Let It Be so you can live in Strawberry Fields Forever. Such reasoning is Here, There And Everywhere. It does not require a Magical Mystery Tour of interpretation to know The Word means leave it alone. I trust we can all Come Together on that meaning. If I were to overlook your actions I would ignore that Day In The Life on April 21, 2006. That night you said to yourself I Feel Fine while drinking beer. Later, whether you wanted Money or were just trying to Act Naturally you became the Fool On The Hill. As Mr Moonlight at 1:30am you did not Think For Yourself but just focused on I, Me, Mine. Because you didn't ask for Help, Wait for Something else, or listen to your conscience saying Honey Don't, the victim was later Fixing A Hole in the glass door you broke. After you stole the beer you decided it was time to Run For Your Life and Carry That Weight. But the witness said Baby It's You, the police said I'll Get You and you had to admit You Really Got A Hold On Me. You were not able to Get Backhome because of the Chains they put on you. Although you hoped the police would say I Don't Want To Spoil The Party and We Can Work It Out you were in Misery when they said you were a Bad Boy. When they took you to jail you experienced Something New as they said Hello Goodbye and you became a Nowhere Man. Later you may have said I'll Cry Instead. Now you are saying Let It Be instead of I'm A Loser. As a result of your Hard Day's Night you are looking at a Ticket To Ride that Long And Winding Road to prison. Hopefully you can say both now and When I'm 64 that I Should Have Known Better."
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Translated back into English, Mr. McCormack was given probation and an undisclosed fine.
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