And The Temple of Viagra

I read that sixty-four year old Harrison Ford signed on to make the fourth “Indiana Jones” movie, 25 years after the original. The title I presume will be “The Temple of Viagra”, or perhaps “The Search For An Affordable Prescription Drug Plan.” Good lord, they stopped Sean Connery before he got old and cranky. Will no one do as much for Mr. Ford? Are we so desperate for celebrities that we can’t afford to find a younger man? Just what exactly is Dr. Jones seeking in this adventure – perhaps an answer the ancient question, “Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m 64”?
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That answer has already been provided to the author, Sir Paul McCarthy, by his soon-to-be ex-wife, Heather Mills. And the answer was no. It is the same answer that Britney Spears gave to her louse, er, I mean, spouse, Kevin Federline. When Kevin-ney (or Spear-line or what ever they were labeled by paparazzi - or the paparazzo) when they first married he was identified as “a dancer”. Now he is called a “rap artist.” At 15 I was fired from a job at an ice cream stand. Did that qualify me to be labeled as a “soda jerk”? Mr. Federline is now at a crossroads and must answer the question…why is he famous anymore?
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I’m still asking why Paris Hilton is famous, but it seems that debate has already moved on. She is famous and no amount of rational argument on my part will ever change that. She was born amazingly lovely, amazingly rich and with a moral center of chewy nugget. She is famed for her bar-fighting, drunk driving and restraining order generating “party ethics”, and her jail time. And yet she is credited with the crafty intelligence of turning wealth, good looks and desperate ambition into a career, which is like complementing Ms. Heather Mills-McCartney for turning her one leg into a limp. Good lord, Donald Trump is also rich and famous and he’s not nearly half as cute as Paris, thus proving that anybody half as rich, half as good looking and half as smart as the rest of us can be a celebrity if they want to.
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We are now burdened with such a collection of pathetic celebrities that I wonder what the chances are we could trade them all in. Lindsay Lohan seems to be unhappy simply because she is famous. We can fix that. And what is Naomi Campbell so angry about? She treats her servants the way Dick Cheney treats his hunting partners. I think that woman needs a good meal.
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We have an entire collection of useless famous people who don’t have enough personality to be famous all by themselves anymore. TomKat’s major claim to fame seems to be that one of them can get pregnant and the other one has far too much money. Then there is Brad-olina and Madonna-whoever-the heck-she’s-with; they all went to Africa in search of orphans. What a shame there weren’t any needy children just a little closer to Hollywood. And now the Kevin-less Britney has matched up with Paris Hilton, call them ParisSpears. They are a clear warning of an approaching Celebrity Apocalypto - which is similar to the “Calypso” except there is no bar to dance under. You just see who can go lower all on their own. My money is on Paris.
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Clearly western culture desperately needs a celebrity transplant. I think we should dump all our famous flakes and just keep George Clooney. He’s the only current “star” who has charisma and talent and the brains to avoid ever having his picture taken with Paris Hilton.




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